Healing Complex PTSD and the Vagus nerve
 

I happened upon a YT channel on childhood trauma and the woman spoke of (C)PTSD. Complex Post Traumatic Stress Syndrome.
I had never heard of it, but the stuff she explained in her many vids resonated greatly and made me realise that I have CPTSD...

She mentioned the name of another woman who also did courses on it like her, but who had written a book on the subject of Polyvagal Therapy as well.
Polyvagal therapy is a method with which you can heal your CPTSD.
I looked that woman up, found yet another name of another woman who fine-tuned the polyvagal therapy, Deb Dana.
I bought a book by her and another one that I came across on the Nervus Vagus & the Chakras.

What it means when you have C-PTSD is that trauma dysregulated your nervous system and if that doesn't get regulated it can create all kinds of trouble in your life, from issues with socialising, finding love, to chronic ailments that doctors cannot explain nor treat.
Also illnesses btw that can be alleviated/treated in the long run.

So if you've had trauma it wreaks havoc in your life. And hell yes, does it do that!!

I'm currently reading in my 2 books that both have exercises. I also bought a card deck by Deb Dana on polyvagal. Each card has an exercise that make you go deep into yourself, all helping to resolve the trauma.

Polyvagal therapy works with the Nervus Vagus, the longest nerve in our body that has 3 branches. 2 of these have to do with fight, flight, freeze, the other is the more joyful branch.

There is also actual polyvagal therapy with a therapist. I've inquired about a 10 week course that is free as it's covered by healthcare.
I've decided I want it sorted. i want to get regulated.
For now I'm doing what I can by myself with my books. And obtaining insight and information.

I now also get why I smoke(d) and find it so so hard to quit: I smoke to regulate myself.
When I began with exercises from the books I got restless. Clearly things got stirred up, and my urge to smoke reared its ugly head. I couldn't stop it, so I bought some tobacco. It immediately gave me a sense of peace & tranquility.
Not helpful, as it doesn't do your body good to smoke, it actually triggers a stress reaction to smoke in the body!

Nevertheless I'm very hopeful, and joyful about it all!
For the first time in yonks I have good hope that I can be cured from my ailments or at least get some alleviation!

Books I got:
Chakras and the Vagus Nerve by C.J. Llewelyn

Polyvagal Exercises, the nervus vagus as source of safety & trust by Deb Dana
Title may be slightly different as I got this one in Dutch.
It's her book from approx. 2021 with exercises from her other book and new ones added to it.
So if you want info & insight this is not the right book.

This is breakthrough stuff!!!
 

Holy Cow!!! This is amaziing!!!
I'm telling my friends!!! All therapists.
I have a book on the Vagus nerve. I know all about the Vagus nerve ---ha - or thought I did!
Complex PTSD? Brilliant !

I also thought I knew a lot about the vagal nerve, did a 7 week course on it few years back.
Yet, certain things I still didn't get, I still had lots of unanswered questions.
I find that the author of the first book I mentioned, the chakras and the nervus vagus, explains it incredibly well!
NO more questions after reading the info in there.
I've learnt things that I didn't expect at all, and that explained so much I've experienced physically!

Some more info for people who want to hear more on this to see if they've got it...

C r a p p y Childhood Fairy on YouTube (TONS of free vids! Also free material on her website and courses)

Irene Lyon, another expert on polyvagal and trauma therapy. She's got a YouTube channel as well, 3 free vids for info on her site, and I believe a book (not sure).

You may want to check out Stephen Porges, the man who developed the polyvagal therapy theory in the 90s.

This book (I might get that one in myself, renowned and recommended even for therapists!):
The Body Keeps the Score - Brain, Mind, and Body in the Healing of Trauma
By Bessel van der Kolk

There's another woman who knows tons about this, Kathy Kaine.
There are interviews of her on YouTube that are very worthwhile.
Here's one of Kathy and Irene Lyon:
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4RLFmlo2vb0&t=460

Hi FairyCrystal,

I've got a lot of related things going on too. I read The Body Keeps the Score and it's very good. It really helped me to understand and accept that PTSD is what I was dealing with. And also set me on a path to find what I needed to move forward when I was at a very low point.

I think the book talks a lot about neurofeedback treatments and so I found a couple of places nearby where I could get sessions. They helped a lot and the best part about that is you don't have to go back and re-experience the traumas while they clear. Not quite a free ride but much less stressful than talk about it therapy. And I also found a therapist who practiced EMDR and I am still doing that along with EFT in the sessions. Both modalities are very powerful and complementary.

With regards to the vagus nerve, for years I have been practicing a healing modality based on acupuncture meridians and nervous system. But it is done purely with the mind and energy. It works by just looking for the energy blocks and clearing them. I have also found that the nervous system and the acupuncture meridians and emotions are all interrelated. These are precursors to physical health as well. As you described.

After a while as I learned it got more clear how to use the information from each to really focus in and clear issues. When I close my eyes now sometimes I can see the energy blocks light up. Or get clear intuition what to work on. And when I am working on myself or others I can feel in my own body where the blocks are as another point of reference.

So anyhow I'm very glad to hear that you found these types of energy work. It is life changing. Thanks for sharing your experiences.

Wow, great feedback! Thank you for sharing your experiences!
From what I've read & heard EMDR and EFT are usually part of treatment of C-PTSD.
And like you say, talk therapy doesn't remedy it. You have to go much deeper in order to reset the nervous system that got dysregulated by trauma.
C-PTSD is more difficult to treat even than PTSD. Not sure about you of course, but I have C-PTSD (complex PTSD).

I love that you make the connection with it and energy work as that's what interests me too. It's also why I love the book I mentioned on the Vagus Nerve and Chakras.
Since I love energy work it's an easy entrance, like an open door, to me, hihi.
I'm not sure if I'd dare go for EMDR as I've had vertigo (seeing the room spin around you) and since then I very easily get dizzy.
And getting dizzy or getting vertigo is directly related to eye movement. As a matter of fact, the illusion of the room spinning is caused by rapid eye movement! They then move left & right very quickly, creating that effect of the room spinning.

For now too busy still with the 2 books I've got, but I certainly will keep The Body Keeps Score on my list :D

Feel free to give more feedback! You've got a lot of experience, I'm a beginner with this.

Hmm, interesting find. I will have to dig deeper into this when I have time. I also have PTSD issues from my first psychosis and other traumas.

One thing I've happened onto recently are these singing bowls on youtube. Now I've tried singing bowl meditations before, and I haven't noticed too much. This one channel in particular is SUPER effective. I literally feel the sound frequencies interacting with and relaxing my energy centers. I tend to get a lot of anxiety symptoms in my heart and throat chakra. Try one out if you get the chance.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RK0jTjcmrKE

I'd make sense that the method would work for PTSD as well. Bear in mind though that CPTSD is not the same as PTSD.
But I guesstimate the nervous system is also dysregulated with PTSD.
However, it is possible that PTSD requires a slightly different approach. I don't know, but maybe the internet can provide answers to that.

Yes, I understand this. I suspect mine is closer to CPTSD because it is more a large grouping of events and experiences that led to my condition. Though, the psychosis caused me to have panic attack like flashbacks for years after. I am more or less on the mend though at this point.

Wanna say I love when people leave these youtube links AND tell us what
we are clicking on...can't wait, k.kid. Thank you! :hug: Wow, it even says, Reset your Vagus Nerve!!
TEN Hours!? This is a gift, thank you again.

Hey, no problem. I believe there are shorter ones on that channel. I'm hooked. I'm using every night and sometimes at work even now. As I mentioned, I am very sensitive to energy, and I can literally feel vibrations in certain energy centers when I listen to them.

I second that!!
I never click links when people don't clarify what it's about.
Not because I fear spam stuff, although there is that, but I want to know whether the vid it leads to is going to interest me or not. Without clarification my interest isn't piqued so I can't be bothered, hihi.

The EFT protocol is based on acupuncture meridians, and so there is a proven relationship to the emotions also. Tap the energy and clear the emotions. And there are some EFT protocol steps that are borrowed from EMDR, where you circle your eyes clockwise and counter-clockwise as part of a setup. I forget those details because I have not used that in a long time.

There is a more general way to look at EMDR called bilateral stimulation. The idea is to use any system that alternates between the left and right brain hemispheres. This develops better balance and helps to interrupt the stuck patterns that make large loops through the brain and the sympathetic and parasympathetic pathway with the vegus nerve. Both EFT and EMDR are about pattern interrupt but they have different way to go about it. So you really do not need to use the eyes. You can also use audio sounds that alternate from side to side or binaural beats can use a slightly different frequency in each side, where difference puts you into theta or delta for relaxation. I used a lot of audio in the past.

I was attracted to EMDR because I had a strong feeling it was going to be important. So I made sure that I found a therapist who could do PTSD and EMDR. It was not what I expected. I thought that they would use a light or something. But what they used was just their hand, moving their forearm back and forth like a metronome. I did not like the effect and it was too fast but stuck with it because it really helped.

My therapist also had a device called a tapper. It is like holding two cell phones that buzz alternatively in each hand back and forth. This was much better. I could set the speed down to about 1hz and it really helped to calm me while talking about issues because I was so stressed. And is very good for doing guided meditations to create a safe space.

I bought my own tapper because I thought it would be a way that I could calm myself down and try meditating more. Which is very hard for me because I am often lost in anxiety. That did not work though and it just gave me a headache. It seems I really need to do the work one on one with another person to be with me. Probably because my primary issues relate to states of being in fear and alone. So I get triggered and I'm gone. But having my own tapper worked great and COVID happened we just continued the sessions over the phone. I was in an inner place anyhow.

The EMDR protocol is great because it is so simple just three steps. First talk a bit and identify an issue, then EMDR, then they ask "what do you notice now". Observe and share how I am feeling or what I am feeling in my body. That's it. And repeat. Each time it clears whatever comes up. And that proces really helps to develop and ability to witness issues when the come up instead of just falling into them.

When an issue is real obvious I tend to use EFT and dive right in. But when I am just in an unknown anxiety place most likely some child part where I need to be calmed and work gradually through it then I'll choose EMDR instead. Hope I can talk more about the energy patterns later.

Wow, that is great information!
I didn't know any of that, so big big thank you! I'm going to copy it and store it with my notes if that's okay.

And so good that you've done so much already and have found the right ways to cope with certain situations! Kudos to you!

CCF (from YouTube) said you cannot do it alone as C-PTSD is created by people so it's an interaction - socialisation injury so to speak, and thus healing must be with other people as well.
Of course there are things you can do yourself but I guess it's similar to healing relationship wounds from having been with a narcissist. There's only so much you can do when single by yourself. Then it's wait and see how it pans out when you're in a new relationship as that's the area where the wound is. You cannot really get into that area on your own as a single.
It's the same with C-PTSD.
I feel fine when alone, many with C-PTSD do as then no one can upset & trigger them, so many withdraw and become like hermits. I am like that too.
For you being alone is a trigger, for me it's bliss, hihi. No one can trigger me when I'm alone, no one can abandon me when I'm alone.
So it's nice and relaxed, terrific comfort-zone, but in actual fact more like an social-emotional prison...

The thing I'm experiencing right now is that learning so much about it all begins to stir things up inside.
So I got a lot of inner turmoil going on but no help yet. I must remember to give them a phone call tomorrow. They were supposed to phone me back, so far that hasn't happened and I'm tired of waiting. I need help, that is becoming clearer and clearer.
I'm slowly beginning to understand the full extent and scope of this injury.
That means that right now I also have to be careful to not slip into this automatic thinking of "There's something wrong with me!"
Also a thing from the past, not sure what the cause is, but it's somehow related to shame or guilt.
There is nothing wrong with me, it's as CCF says, "You have an injury!"
That's what it is, not that you're mentally not the full quid.

I saw my mother this afternoon, and yesterday, which was also exhausting and triggering. She's one of the causes of my C-PTSD and she always tends to pull guilt-trips on me, emotionally manipulate me etc. in such a way that I feel I've done something wrong.
I now know it puts me in 'freeze' as I then have a brain freeze, I cannot come up with arguments or things to say that make sense. The way she treats me instantly numbs my brain. I become like a toddler again that has no say in things.
I so hate that feeling!

Anyway, happy with your info, if you feel like sharing more, please do!
It's great knowledge.

:hug3:

I'm glad whatever you found useful. Trying to find some approach to talking about these things. The topics are so broad and interconnected it is hard to narrow it down to a few aspects. Or which are the best ones.

The alone versus with others concept is for me much more complicated than whether I am in the presence of another. The trigger is when I am there but they are not. In interactions with most people I go into the third person and then it is like I am alone all of the time. Except that part of me tries to create the connection in my mind, observing every minute reaction of the other person. And I take on too much responsibility for everything that takes place. And then afterward I remember and obsess about every detail to try to figure out what went wrong. Even when it has nothing to do with me. Recreating the past over and over. That is how I spend my time between interactions. Even years later and over events that would seem trivial to most people. Though if there is any kind of conflict it is not good. I can't let them go. I realize more recently that those obsessions help me to maintain reality.

So the deliberate one-on-one time in therapy is important to recreate something that I did not get enough of in the past. To recreate a connection that can allow me to be comfortable in the present. Because in the past people close to me were so caught up in their dramas that there was no one there. They would mostly react and attack emotionally. That was how I was most strongly affected by narcissism. Except on some rare occasions when I encountered people who were able to show up. Those experiences were what probably helped me to hold things together enough to keep going through the hardest times.

Most of what I do in therapy is different than a relationship or socialization though. I don't do well with the busybody talking therapy where someone reacts to what we say and offers analysis or advice. Instead I need a very quiet space with someone present with me and doing most of the listening. Relieving me of that burden and not judging me or even reacting. And instead holding the space for me to exist. And then that combined with some kind of method to shift the nervous system I have what is required to make some deep progress.

So if I understand correctly, you feel so unsafe in interaction with people that you detach, pull back emotionally, and then shift into a very focused mental observation kind of state?
And easily feel a form of guilt later on, certainly when there's been conflict (since you go over it again and again)?
I guesstimate that would indeed be what you describe of your past. I assume you then also withdraw emotionally, possibly for safety then automatically shift into having a hawk's eye view to observe what's going on and you could take action in case of escalation?

Have you got it clear whether in such situations you are in fight or flight (the sympathetic) or in 'fawn' or freeze (the dorsal vagus reaction)?

For me I thought at first it was mostly fight or flight, but reading more about it all I came to realise that in many many cases I actually slip into fawn/freeze.
Sometimes it's fight or flight for a brief moment (I think) then it shoots into freeze at the speed of light. That certainly happens with my mother. Had it happen the other day... She was whinging & whining about a ton of things, I wasn't feeling too great myself so had no space to handle it gracefully.
I lost it, snapped back at her, but then I get total brain freeze. I cannot for the love of the Goddess think clear and come up with good reasoning to convey why she upset me so much.
And as always I let her walk over me. Very old pattern that I have been aware of for decades and still haven't been able to change. I feel totally disempowered and helpless when she does her manipulation thing on me.

Is it your thing to not feel seen & heard in interaction? I gather that from what you're saying, but could be wrong, don't want to jump to conclusions.
I have that myself for sure! One of my biggest problems in life, I think THE biggest problem in life for me.
Being bullied at school for 7 years caused that, but at home I wasn't seen for who I was/am either. And in the end you learn to 'c r a p fit', as CCF calls it.
I also long so much for people to just listen, but not just that, to also acknowledge me! To give me credit.
I've missed so much of that in life that when I tune into that feeling it feels like a very very deep hole that would take an awful lot of compliments, love, understanding, some hotdanged respect (!!!), acknowledgement, and tender loving care. All the stuff I've missed so much in life. Never got much of any of that.

These days my mother just starts talking through me??? She's totally unbelievable, and when I say something about it she turns it around that I'm the one who's rude for talking so much.
The result is that I flood her with conversation so at least she cannot hurt me, but that isn't right of course.

Oh my, this shizzel is so much to deal with when you think about it... hihi.
No wonder I avoid interaction.

BTW... CCF regularly mentions 12 step groups, not just AA, but there are others as well from what she says.
Maybe that's a good thing? In such groups they don't come up with advise or judgement, they just listen and let you tell your thing (as far as I know).

In any case, thanks again for reacting.
Learning a lot, really appreciate it! It feels good to be able to exchange and share with someone else who's got this!!
:hug3:

Thanks for your thoughts trying to understand. It is good to have someone listening. This is kind of a ramble did not get to the energy work. Also just discussing these topics has triggered a lot so it takes some time for me to process it all.

My usual approach to other people is that I'm already in a distant state. So when I see some either work or family interaction coming up, then my anxiety rises and I start to anticipate the event. It depends who I am dealing with how much I'll lower my guard or allow myself to feel connected. Always I leave something in reserve and if I notice a topic that makes them uncomfortable I'll pull back and avoid it and pretend to agree. This is best case.

That leaves me not invisible, but rather bound to a false image how people see me as agreeable. They are content and leave me be. I guess you could say I choose to be invisible to preserve energy and avoid conflict because I am not good at it and I don't enjoy winning where someone else looses anyhow. So have nothing to gain.

With close family members and some others I see regularly, I often see things very magnified and interpret them in a harsh way whenever there is any kind of tension. Only later I may realize how far off my perception was. But in those moments when I am triggered I go into fight/flight and if I'm not prepared then I'm likely to say something that makes things worse. Especially if I think someone is blaming me for something.

The origin of those blame triggers were adults who held me responsible for their feelings instead of protecting me. But just knowing that is not even close to an ability to manage it.

As for helplessness when triggered by your mother, my approach is to focus on healing myself physically, emotionally, mentally, spiritually when I am not in their presence. Space is your friend. Where you can build up resources internally for the future so that next time can recover faster. Easier said than done though. So easy to question one's self afterward. And I always have to plan for downtime after any interactions, especially with family. Give yourself credit for trying.

Our society thinks in an extrovert fashion, and gives or takes away points based on how well you can fight for yourself. And just because you pass some age, regardless of your history how you were treated as a child, expected to either have ability to function properly and if not you are judged as a failure. That I find this perspective to be worse than useless. Rather I think if I am judging anyone I'm getting off track. And in my experience it is much more powerful to fix the internal and then somehow the outward fixes itself. This path seems weaker but it is much stronger.

Thank you for your reply, and tips for dealing with my mother in a healthy way for me.

This afternoon was another eventful afternoon with my mother, pfff...
She said I was sweet/nice at first when she'd moved (I had her move to my area last May) but of late I'm not sweet/nice anymore.
She says that whilst looking at me with this god awful expression on her face, meant to manipulate me and make me feel guilty, although I think she truly beliefs she's right with her accusations. I SO hate that facial expression of hers, uggh...

But... even though I haven't been at it with C-PTSS work I can tell things have begun shifting inside of me.
Which is exactly the reason why I can't deal with my mother's bee S anymore, hihi. All she ever does when with me is complain, whinge, whine, judge, nag. So tiring for me!
I don't think she does that with anyone else, just with me. I guess she still tries to use me as her emotional support like she always has.
And I'm beginning to resist.

You know, I've often felt that there were lots of similarities between how she treats me and how my narcissistic partner treated me!

In any case, this afternoon we went into town. I was thrilled about a number of things I saw. It was marketday and there were a few stands that interested me.
And since I'm beginning to change it is already much easier for me to socialise so I easier end up talking to people. And people open up more to me than before I began this work a few weeks back.
Amazing how fast that can go!!
In any case, instead of enjoying seeing her daughter having fun and doing so well (I told her about my C-PTSD) she is impatient as she has to wait for me, doesn't show any interest, no enthusiasm.
She bought something at one stand that she liked, I ended up talking to the seller. Then she drove off in her scootmobile as she was fed up (????) to go to the restaurant we had been headed for to wait for me there.
No why do such things? Beyond me... She doesn't have to stand as she's sat in her scoot mobile, she can smoke if she wants to, just that she's not getting attention.
Then 5 mins later my phone rings. I did not answer but I knew it was her.
Just unbelievable. Pressuring me instead of simply waiting for me to return, trusting I won't leave her hanging.

By the time we were having dinner it exploded.

Just now -couple hours later- I did some EFT on it so I can let go of it.

But I do feel a lot is really beginning to work out. A while back I asked support from the Intergalactic Council for my healing and suddenly everything happened, including finding out about C-PTSD.
In any case, long story short, I happened to be gifted a free course by Matthew Hussey because I pre-ordered his book and that course is on ... -drumroll-... how to talk to people!
YESSS!
Of late I became way more aware than ever that I seriously haven't a clue how you socialise. Because of my past I haven't learnt this.
Now I have this wonderful course on that topic?!?! FOr free!
I'm SO SO happy about it!
I've watched 9 modules over the past 2-3 days and already learnt so much!
That's the reason I'm already feeling things shift and experience better and easier interaction than I've had in yonks, maybe ever.

I'm also looking into groups, clubs, gatherings in my area. It's so easy to say that there is nothing to do here (it's backwater county), but then yesterday I found a women's group on the island where I live!
I haven't signed up yet, but considering it. And amazed to suddenly find out there are lots of things that I didn't even know existed, in my direct environment?!

I also wrote an entirely new dating site profile with the tips I got from the course.

I realise I'm not there yet, but change is occurring and as it is it seems to go quite fast too?!

A few days ago I also started the Daily Practice by CCF, but forgot yesterday and today. But... I used one of her tips on how to regulate in a stressful situation during the escalation with my mother this afternoon.
So things are beginning to stick, I'm remembering them IN the moment!

I had honestly not expected things to move this fast, but then I have invested a lot of time in it all already. Listened to tons of vids by CCF whilst painting, reading in my books, and then Matthew Hussey's webinars and this free course to top it off.

If I manage to actually do what he says in his course, and find myself a nice group to join I think I can come a long way in healing on my own.
It's mostly a matter of following through as lifelong neural pathways won't be undone in an instant. That takes time and persevering.
But the fact that things are shifting and I'm feeling so much better because of it is definitely inspiring!
The things with my mother is likely to be the toughest nut to crack... I may need help with that.

Getting help for C-PTSD proves to be incredibly hard!
I had not expected nor counted on that, hihi.
There is a serious shortage of regular psychologists let alone the ones qualified to deal with C-PTSD. That is beyond the wheelhouse of a regular psychologist.
All private practices I found have a stop, don't take on new clients.
The government organisations who provide that help have huge waiting lists. One let me know it will take 6 months -possibly longer- just to get an intake?!
And then same before treatment can start.
It is that busy!
I couldn't believe it.
I now went to another organisation, they have shorter waiting lists. The department in my area is less busy so even higher chance of getting help a bit faster.
Fingers crossed. I don't want to wait a year. I want to get going with it!

In the meantime I keep at it with my books so I do make a bit of progress.

The video I'll link below is SO good and SO helpful!!
I love her vids anyways, they're short and sweet and to the point, clear, good exercises you can easily do and they lead to insights and things that are actually immediately helpful.

This vid jumped out as I found out a number of years ago via my then partner that I take things personally very often.
Trying to change it is really hard.
I did all the exercises in this vid, and boy did that give me insight in the how and why!!
It concerns something in my childhood that I already had clarity on, but... not the core hurt/trauma of that.
The questions Emma asked in the vid brought me straight to the core of it!
So all these years I've been peeling of layers, now I was ready to get to that core.
I was really happy about it, but it had me off-kilter for a bit. I was quite taken aback as I hadn't seen that one coming.
But it is good as the work I've done from this vid alone is going to prove very valuable when I finally get someone to help me work through my C-PTSD.
I took an awful lot of notes from the vid and wrote down the answers to the exercises. A total of 5 (!!!) typed A4s.

I intend to print them and highlight the important parts that I want/need help with from a professional.
So glad to have this clarity and also glad I wrote it down as today I can't recall exactly what it was that came up.

As I did the exercises I also tuned in to wear that particular hurt is stored in my body. A thing I have known to do for years, and in one of her vids Emma also makes you do that to deal with issues.
In any case, it was stored in more than just one place and the messages of these body parts were astounding!!
My neck for instance (I have neck injury after 2 accidents) holds a lot of anger. It is livid! So much so that I was taken aback by the level of anger.

In any case, after I tuned in to all the body parts that came up, I breathed to them, sent love into them, hugged them, told them I'd take care of them etc. etc.
And then everything softened tremendously!

Anywho, the vid on taking things personally:
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BI4dBryghRk&list=PLgEri0xc8yS_iY4aXyNQ5nai 0GZKmaJ2w&index=72

Wow, just wow!
The other day, with the help of a great YT channel on trauma, I got to a way deeper layer of something than ever before.
Something I'd had in view for years but never to this depth.
It blew me away to realise just how deep and wide this trauma stuff is. I can handle an awful lot but that was almost too much to handle.
I knew I'd need help to get through these enormously deep wounds and patterns that came from it.

Now this afternoon I went to see my mum, who tends to always easily trigger me, especially now that I'm stirring the pot so to speak, hihi.
And Lo' and behold, me being calm and collective, able to explain and just tell without it becoming a lot of drama, seemed to work?!
She listened and occasionally she reacted in a well-meant way that isn't helpful and actually makes me feel guilty and that I did it wrong.
And since I'd explained a lot to her of how it works with examples, I could tell her calmly that that reaction hurt, made me feel XYZ.
And she got it!

It was so good to be able to do this!
We chatted about all kinds of other things too, so it was a great afternoon. Relaxed, we had fun, laughed, actually listened to one another etc.

When I was in the car I could feel peace and rest and tranquility in my body!!
Just because I had finally been able to talk about it with my mother and relate to her in a normal fashion. Without any triggering.

I think I'm already beginning to learn certain things because of what I've learnt from all those vids and exercises I've done.
Small shifts, big effect nonetheless!

Currently a lot of stress has gone, and now I feel tired. Whenever I am able to step out of this hyper alert state that comes with having C-PTSD I feel how incredibly tired I am.
Just goes to show how exhausting C-PTSD is and how logical it is that you develop physical ailments as you constantly deplete your body and energy.


In any case, a very good and fruitful afternoon.
:hug3:

Certain things start to come together more and more in my understanding.

I've discovered that in many situations I go straight into freeze, not fight or flight.
To get out of freeze it's important to do bodywork as in moving, tapping your knees, stamping your feet and so on as freeze is also disconnect from the body.
It is a limbic brain reaction to something.

The other day a therapist mentioned that action, martial arts, and so on could be good, and now another therapist also came up with that.
I'm beginning to see where my love for martial arts comes from! I've always wondered about that.
But I guesstimate that I intuitively went for something that made me feel connected, empowered, in my body etc.
Apart from that it made me feel stronger, like I could handle situations since I was able to defend myself if need be. That sense I have missed so often due to what happened in the past and getting overwhelmed, bullied, neglected and so on.
Martial arts did give me that feeling.

I remember how gutted I was when I could no longer practice is due to back problems. It seriously dented my self-confidence and self-esteem.
Now I understand even better why.
Finally having a means to feel empowered, to not go in freeze, feeling and knowing I could handle it, and then it went out the window, leaving me with nothing.

Maybe there is a clue for my physical ailments as I felt so disappointed and let down by my body. It affected me greatly, I felt like a fish out of the water, choking, helpless, scared. Back at the mercy of others.
I think I blamed my body so much that I began withholding love for it...

Wowza, much of that came up as I was writing.
Going to copy/paste that to my notes, hihi.

In any case, I'm now wondering what brainwaves would go with the freeze state.

BTW the reason for the physical movement is that freeze tends to numb your muscles, makes you freeze literally and dissociate from your body.
By moving, certainly with action and focus that martial arts require, that is simply impossible.
But also stamping your feet, moving your arms and so on has that effect.

I had my intake for treatment about 2-3 weeks ago and it was online which was quite nice, saved me a long drive.

First conversation was really good, second one was horrible. The somewhat older woman looked at me as if I was a silly child, very condescending, the things she asked were totally out of line and in the end she suggested that I wouldn't be able to handle the treatment.
The conversation was ended prematurely because it was pointless. I almost hung up a couple of times, it reminded me of talking to my narcissistic ex.

Then last week was a 3rd online vid call during which we should discuss the treatment plan.
But she suggested something specific prior to treatment that I did not want. I made that very clear yet they did it anyway behind my back?
I was appalled, couldn't believe it.

I decided to cancel treatment.
It's unbelievable that so called professionals who should help you with a trauma thing turn out to trigger your trauma, show no respect, go over your boundaries -which is a big thing when dealing with trauma. Certainly is for me since I've been bullied for years on end in the past, which was a constant going over my boundaries.

They didn't even acknowledge my cancellation? The worst organisation I've ever come across.

There is another one that is better equipped to offer C-PTSD treatment, they got a waiting list a mile long. I'm on that list. But I think I'm going to forego it.
I'll just work with my books and online guidance and help.
I've had my fill with so called professionals concerning this.

OMG, FairyCrystal...Why are there people out there like this, period?
But why are they in a healing business?
I want you to trust there IS someone gentle and knowledgeable out there for you. :hug: