My "healing" from my ego.
I used to be the biggest of sinners when it comes to ego : I was convinced I had none !
So naturally, it made it's way without hinderance, and when I thought I had released attachement to what I cared the most, it presented itself back to me. How happy I was, "This is it !" I thought, "I made it". Teehee, I did not know back then, but "I" didn't do anything. It felt real though, the feeling of finally getting in control. Then slowly but surely, ego took over tiny bit by tiny bit, here and there, always greedy for more of what I desired the most. It happened naturally, since I was in charge, an all-mighty ! Even when it was raging I couldn't still realize the ego was in control, while at the same time, my actions were causing wounds to people I cherish.
And here we are now, a little while and summers later, realizing what had been at play all along. One could easily assume, reading, I'm desperately trying to reach "ego death" or dissolve. But no, ego won't die neither will it dissolve, it's just going to stay here. It is absolutely rioting at the moment, and oddly enough, I'm super calm about it, because now I have spotted it, I have awareness. It's not getting anywhere, I won't either. But no staring contest involved here ! Instead, I am grateful I have noticed it, and for the lessons learned. There's no need to control in a spiritual journey, and I finally let myself surrender my burden.
All I wish, is healing, lessons learned and all my love to the people I may have wounded, I used to think it would kill me to hurt, consciously or not, people that are so dear to my heart, but it didn't, the sky didn't fall on them and all hell didn't go loose. Ego does that, crazy, nonsense dramatizations and we buy into it. But that's alright, that's how we learn.
Whether I get to be close to these people or not again, all is well. If they reappear, then I'll know all the gods and the stars are smiling upon me. If not, it will be all the same because I'm worthy and won't be left apart, I can see that now.
...it feels good sharing that, it feels right, like living in the only truth, love...
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