One thing I have trouble forgiving myself for

[SmallVoice]

At the beginning of 2020, my wife and I took in a foster child. It was mostly my idea, and looking back now, I know I went into it for the wrong reasons. My Catholic upbringing had instilled in me a lot of guilt over not having children. Growing up, my mother repeatedly made derisive comments about people who didn't have children and I internalized a lot of it. So I decided to become a foster parent, not out of a genuine love for children, but to repent for being in a marriage that could not naturally produce children. This was wrong, I know this now, but it wasn't until after the fact that I came to this realization.

The lockdowns started literally the day after our foster daughter moved in with us. I was furloughed from my job and suddenly spending every day homeschooling a 13 year-old girl who was way behind in her education. Likewise, she went from having eight other siblings to not having any other kids to play with, and CYS canceled all visits with her family, which was greatly distressing to her. She was a pretty well-behaved child all things considered, but as the lockdown progressed, we all became more and more unhappy with the arrangement. We were arguing constantly and tensions started to build, until finally she asked to be moved to another home. By that point, my wife and I had given up, so we contacted her social worker to make the arrangements. She was very content with this decision up until she informed her mother, who reprimanded her for asking to leave a good foster home. Then, she came to us and told her she had changed her mind, but by then, my wife was over it and so was I. Her social worker found her a new placement with a teacher she was close to, and when she found this out, she was overjoyed.

After she left, we kept in contact with her and her new foster mother. However, roughly a year later, her foster mother informed me that she was no longer in her care. She had been suffering from severe PTSD, which her foster mother tried to get her help for, but the resources provided by CYS were ineffective to say the least. She eventually snapped and had a violent outburst at school, and CYS snatched her up and moved her to a new home. She ran away from this home and assaulted a police officer when they found her. She then spent a few months in juvie, and I wrote a letter to her while she was there. She wrote back begging for us to take her back in, but my wife flat out refused to entertain the idea. After I relayed this refusal to my foster daughter, I didn't hear from her again.

She is currently living a group home roughly an hour away from me. Her foster mother has invited me to come visit her, but my wife is against the idea. She is not a callous person, but she is very bitter about what happened and is probably about as angry at our foster daughter as she is at CYS. I'm also conflicted about what to do. It almost feels cruel to visit, as it might just give her hope for a rescue that will not come. But at the same time, I feel like I'm abandoning her and further contributing to her trauma. I know there is really nothing I can do that will ultimately help her heal from all she's been through, but I can't forgive myself for getting involved in the first place. I went into it for the wrong reasons and only ended up hurting the same child I was trying to help. I have told this to multiple people and they all say that I tried my best, I'm being too hard on myself, etc. But I said some very unkind things to and about her, and I know that part of me just wants to forget it ever happened. But my foster daughter has to live with the repercussions everyday, I can't just forget about her. I don't know what to do or how to handle the situation or how to forgive myself for it. I'm just paralyzed with guilt and indecision and I don't know where to go from here.