Saw my TF 1st time in 7 months, 3 years after my psychosis.

[Edgarhansen1982]

I ’m a guy and the TF in question is a girl 10 years my junior. I chased her like nobody’s business 3 years ago to the point I had to go to the psych ward. Basically, at that time, she ultimately wanted to hook up after I questioned why she was talking to me (she initiated convo in 2020 after 2 years NC) and that is what she said (hook up.) I told her I was looking for a lot more. My memory is spotty during my psychosis (I’m bipolar 1) and I don’t remember what happened after December 2020 to become blocked by her and a changed phone number. One thing she did tell me was she’s not that great (in regards to dating seriously). I felt I was just let down easy for that excuse, but maybe that’s typical DM behavior of feeling not worthy?


So last night in my bowling league, she shows up to hang out with her mom and moms friends who are about 10 lanes down from where I am with my wife and team. Once I knew it was her, even after taking preventative Xanax on the off chance of her showing up, IT DID ABSOLUTELY NOTHING. My heart was beating out of my chest. I caught her looking at my one time and my gaze was not directly at her but in her general direction. She then came closer and spoke to a former neighbor of hers 2 lanes away while they both had a beer. I kept myself from looking up by burying myself in my phone when it wasn’t my turn to bowl.

She eventually left by the 3rd game. The neighbor she talked to bowled at the same time as me sometime in the beginning of the 3rd game. We both got 9 pins at the same or close to the same spot (the remaining pin.) what he said next triggered me. He said “I guess we’re twins huh?” I replied “yeah, I think so.” (I told my DM I thought she was my TF 3 years ago, something I regret doing, but during a manic episode, it’s nearly impossible to control yourself.

Did I follow good protocol? Since she has ME blocked, and apparently a changed phone number, it’s definitely in her court to speak to me if she had any desire. I respect her opinion to block me too much to break NC.

Today I’m still in a mess of sorts. Mind can’t stop thinking about her or replaying yesterdays interactions (or lack thereof.)

One of the main reasons I consider her a TF is because my spiritual side/chakra opened way up. I constantly think about God. Also, I’m a bit into angel numbers. Our days of birth are exactly 3773 days apart as well.

Do I just continue down my spiritual path and live my life with my wife (whom I consider to be a soulmate vs a TF) and whatever God has in store for my life in regards to the TF to just LET THINGS BE? Continue NC?

I also wonder if I subconsciously became the runner/DM because of how much I was trying to ignore her / not make eye contact. But since I’m the one blocked, SHE has to be the DM?

Thank you everyone in advance. I was a long time lurker before finally joining.