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02-12-2023, 01:08 PM
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Master
Join Date: Mar 2014
Posts: 6,461
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now i think
this whole thing
was just me
dreaming of a better tomorrow
despite the fact
none of it exists
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02-12-2023, 02:36 PM
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Master
Join Date: Mar 2014
Posts: 6,461
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even if someone
did exist
at this point
I'm tired
of fooling myself\
into thinking
that they actually care.
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02-12-2023, 07:00 PM
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Master
Join Date: Mar 2014
Posts: 6,461
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so no matter
what I choose to do
someone
somewhere
tells me
it is the wrong thing to do.
and then more bad feeling....
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02-12-2023, 07:13 PM
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Master
Join Date: Mar 2014
Posts: 6,461
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there are so many reasons
we are not on the same page
I guess
well it was a nice daydream while it lasted.
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03-12-2023, 12:43 AM
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Master
Join Date: Mar 2014
Posts: 6,461
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it is lose-lose
for a me
if i do the right thing
I can't have anything in return
and if i don't do the right thing
I get a beating.
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03-12-2023, 11:01 PM
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Master
Join Date: Mar 2014
Posts: 6,461
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(whimpering)
i don't want
another life
where I dream
about someone
who doesn't exist
all life long
then get to the end
dismayed
I'd rather kick out
anyone
who says they are real
but aren't....
but that hurts too...
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04-12-2023, 12:20 AM
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Master
Join Date: Mar 2014
Posts: 6,461
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i don't need
more ways
to act like a boy...
just to get things
I'm not even
sure I want
i think
for once in my life
i just want 'normal' thoughts
that don't involve
fancy people
or
fancy places
because
at least then
I don't have to
deal with
fantasies
of unreality
and the incredible
distress
that comes
living that life
and then facing the consequences.
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04-12-2023, 11:54 AM
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Master
Join Date: Mar 2014
Posts: 6,461
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well the thing about death is
whatever I've put my energy in
to get
it just vaporizes
usually,
getting the same thing back
becomes much more expensive
next time around
and then things i get
I often have buyers remorse
anyway
so
anymore
i'm like
why not just do without?
Just because everyone says you can have something
or even should have something
that doesn't make it worth it
in terms of my own effort.
At least that is what I think.
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04-12-2023, 11:21 PM
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Master
Join Date: Mar 2014
Posts: 6,461
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it isnt so much
not wanting stuff
as
the road being blocked
and it just isn't worth it
to even try.
Too much not wanting stuff
in the past
I guess.
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05-12-2023, 05:21 AM
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Master
Join Date: Mar 2014
Posts: 6,461
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not going to try
to be any more 'real'
than i already am.
Noone is ever 'real'
with me
and I just don't feel like
putting myself out there.
That said
I'm not going
to great lengths
to be hidden
either
some of the stuff I say
scares me silly
because
it is identifiable enough
that someone I know
could someday
pick up on it...
And I've been feeling that way
for close to 20 years
without
it much letting up
a lot of fear
on top of
a lot of fear
so
I'm not gonna make it worse.
If anyone really wanted to know
they'd do me the favor
of actually asking
anyway
I suppose...
another thing
that isn't likely to happen.
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