How would you feel?

I think it is good too to not mix finances with family, for various reasons.

Sorry I know I am going to sound really bad and suspicious but I have experienced cases where they got senile elders to sign over things to this or that relative which they would not have done in their clear minds and to later then prove that is difficult. And other sick stuff as well. Not saying that will happen but still wants a head up, as she is someone who likes power and cross boundaries I would be on the alert. I know that is an awful thing to write.

It is good you have your finances apart or I reckon that would have been yet another vulnerability to be used against you if yours were somehow tangled up with theirs or if there was envy involved.

To me his former occupation and what ever finances deal he has been involved in does not give him the right, entitlement to ask others, you guys, about yours, he ought to know this, and then get upset on top of that, sound pretty desperate to me. I still think he did wrong, and I think your husband is right.

I had to again and again tell my husband off regarding our finances as I simply do not want ours tangled up with his parent or any other relative for that reason. I have seen the bad result from that, how the narcissist uses that to its sick advantage. I know I am suspicious but I've seen too much of this dark side that I think lots of people have in their relationship with money. I want to keep that away from us, protected from that. To me how some people chose to behave is so bad, as if money bring out the worst in them, then family is nothing and no decency either.

Yes I understand your tactic about this but at the same time this is eating you up I think on some level and it does not sound fair to me for you to have it all locked up like that, but that is your decision to make, of course. It is something that's gonna linger on, I'm afraid, and I want you free of it. In one way I think it might work doing this your way though and that is if you have come to the final decision in your mind to say goodbye to your brother, that there is no hope in getting back what you once had. If so you keeping distance and being polite will work, I'm thinking.

[astralsuzy]

Hi asearcher, you are correct when you say be cautious about your mothers finances. Fortunately my brother would not deliberately try to scam us from my mothers finances. I have noticed my brother gets extremely upset if I question anything about it. My husband and I have questioned it as the finances do not seem to make sense. I cannot do anything about it. My brother has power of attorney. My sister in law thought she would be in charge and take things that did belong to her. I confronted her about it and not surprising she was angry with me. I got the items back except the crystal swan that I gave to my mother was broken. She blamed it on me. I said to her it was very likely to break as you wrapped it up with another ornament. The neck of the swan was thin and delicate. I just have to be aware of what is going on.
Thank you asearcher, I never thought of that. You are right, it still does not give my brother the right wanting to know our finances. I would not want my brother and sister in law asking to borrow money from us. He has asked us for a lot of money to put my parents in a nursing home. Not an ordinary home, a very expensive home. I was extremely stressed and I knew I could not give the money. Things changed and it never happened. That is another reason not to let them know our finances. It would likely cause other problems.

Of course I am happy my mother is still alive, I do not want to give the wrong idea. While my mother is alive I will be connected to my brother and sister in law. My brother has changed a lot. He is not as nice as he used to be. I think a large part of it is he lives with his wife. She influences him a lot. If I was living with someone like that I do not think it would change me. I will occasionally contact my brother from time to time. I doubt I will be seeing my sister in law and brother much.

[dream jo]

Hi
How can I put this about sending Road in nasty about myself my dad's lost my dad's side there are birthday parties and get some parties and and weddings but I never got an invite only say it on Facebook the pictures or had a good time it's party had a good time in a certain garden party engagement party or Reading of reading Reading weding but I'm ok to go to the funerals because I never get uninvited to them I sent the invite more to them
I'll become the conclusion my dad's lot but not **** on me if I was on fire there was stand there and let me burn and I'm a lovely person inside an excuses or it's cos you're on your new single
But I couldn't help someone if they let me but I never get invited to birthday parties or engagement or weddings oh yes when it comes to funerals yes because I can quite better at funerals I just know how to go on yes I want to go to the funeral home care because I think of the Makings of me

Originally Posted by astralsuzy

She influences him a lot. If I was living with someone like that I do not think it would change me.

Yes, please be on the alert. You know some people get worse with certain other people, it is because they have something in them, defected, that makes that happen, and sorry to say it you've now witnessed this flourish first hand. I am guessing partly he is an enabler, partly manipulated and partly just him (with a defect).

I made sure to keep people at a distance because I was ashamed, ashamed and afraid for both their well being and my own, but I never treated anyone badly. But lots of people would tell me afterwards it was as if they could not reach me.

I think there are one sign after another that it is best you should not be in a close relationship right now with your brother as long as he, they, are the way they are.

Also one can also think one does not want to, one simply does not feel like having a close relationship, as this has all cost you too much emotionally.

I think once it gets established the people you do have a closer relationship with in the family, among relatives, without your brother and sister-in-law this will feel better over time. I would also strengthen the bonds I have with other people that are not family and occupy myself doing other things that was, is, of interest to me.

After all the best revenge is to then not think about it no more and to be happy yourself with you and your life.

Originally Posted by dream jo

Hi
there are birthday parties and get some parties and and weddings but I never got an invite only say it on Facebook

Their loss, dream jo.

[astralsuzy]

Originally Posted by asearcher

Their loss, dream jo.

I agree with asearcher, it is their loss. It is also sad for you dream jo. I hope you are coping with it. We must try not to let other people hurt us. They are fine but it hurts us if we allow them to.

[astralsuzy]

Originally Posted by asearcher

the best revenge is to then not think about it no more and to be happy yourself with you and your life.

Very wise asearcher, easy said but hard to do. It is good to keep trying not to think about it otherwise they win. We end up suffering from it and they are not hurt. We do not want that. We want to feel good and to rise above it. We will succeed and get on with our life.

I have become more alert. Unfortunately it was a bit late when I realised I cannot trust my sister in law. As the saying goes, it is better late than never. I did not think my sister in law would try to take things that I gave to my mother.

[dream jo]

yep it's their loss but when I have my 50 and I have a party at least I will invite them at least I'm the bigger person and a better person for not uninvited people
Plus Interiors time I don't have 50 everybody here can come you are all invited spirituality and 2054 buy me you can be there in spirit and body and mind
I have proved myself with a better person and the ones you've done invite me

[astralsuzy]

Originally Posted by dream jo

when I have my 50 and I have a party I will invite them at least I'm the bigger person and a better person for not uninvited people

You sound very good dream jo. I could not be like you. I would not want to invite people that do not want me there.

I thought I will go to my nieces Christmas day celebration but my family do not want to go. I want to be with my family so I will not go to my nieces Christmas.

[Redchic12]

Ah yep I relate to what you are all saying about the Xmas fiascos. I made a decision a few years ago and told the whole family “I am not doing Xmas anymore”. I didn’t want to buy presents, receive presents or go to anyone place and that was that. They couldn’t get their heads around that one and carried on and on about it, trying to make out there was something wrong with me. But I didn’t buy into any of it and stood my ground. Two of them don’t talk to me now either, but frankly I couldn’t care less. So you can’t seem to win, with it or without it regarding family.

But come Christmas Day I get little presents and cards from my gorgeous two neighbours, I have a lovely dinner and Xmas pudding, a glass of wine and a long chat with my best friend who lives over east (who also doesn’t do Xmas). And a glass of wine later in the day with my neighbour and I throughly enjoy it. No travelling, no hassles no stress. Brilliant

Oh I might add, I do send money for my little granddaughter for Xmas.

I realise that this might not work for everybody, but I am comfortable with being by myself and so it works for me.