Acquaintances are Better than Friends

[Gem]

Originally Posted by JustBe

In any close relationship, whether close friend or partner, you’re going to go through a multitude of stuff that opens and cracks you apart.

I think the OP's claim that acquaintances are better than friends because emotional attachment creates suffering is wrong.

I don't like 'love is the answer' because any battered woman will say she loves her man, so even in love, boundaries are the be all and end all of relationships. If the woman draws the line at violence, it would happen once and never again.

It takes courage to walk in and it takes courage to walk away, but to intentionally avoid close relationships because you might get hurt is essentially cowardice.

Of course it's more complicated because people are complex, and there are good reasons for avoiding relationships and other reasons getting involved with psychopaths. I just meant to say, opening yourself to people is very important, but having boundaries is even more so.

[Maisy]

Originally Posted by Gem

I think the OP's claim that acquaintances are better than friends because emotional attachment creates suffering is wrong.

Isn't it true emotional attachment always eventually causes suffering and loss of various kinds? Everyone dies. We eventually will lose everyone. Seems to me the only way one would not suffer from emotional attachment would be to die first before everyone you are emotionally attached to dies. But then it's probably unreasonable to not have anyone in our lives. Humans are social animals like wolf packs. We don't thrive alone.

On a related note, I saw a show on killer whales and the scientists said their brains have a much larger emotional area than humans. They also said when a baby is taken from a killer whale they will "cry" and suffer for many years.

I think the OP kind of has a point. If one never gets a dog for example, never gets emotionally attached to a pet, they take that kind of suffering when that pet dies completely out of their lives. Same with having kids. Some kids die before their parents and that is very huge suffering one may never get over. Never have kids, never get emotionally attached to one, you will never experience that kind of possible suffering.

But like I said, I think living as a hermit would not make most people happy. Humans, the great apes, wolves and dogs, we are social animals and need that to be happy I think. But who knows, maybe some rare humans can be perfectly content and happy alone. I spent my whole childhood alone. Wondering all day by myself in some hills and creeks near my house. I went weeks, one time 5 months, without talking to another human being. I was perfectly content and enjoyed my own company. In fact, I tried to be a hermit once but karmic events took me out of that lifestyle against my intent.

I'm happy alone. But then now I live with a bunch of people and most bug me a lot of times. But then I'm not sure I'd like to be a hermit now. Maybe sometime I will try that lifestyle again if the opportunity presents itself. I'd wander alone in nature all day long. Sounds great! Practicing emptiness. I love silence.

"What you need, what we all need, is silence. Stop the noise in your mind..." Thích Nhất Hạnh

[sky]

Originally Posted by Maisy

"What you need, what we all need, is silence. Stop the noise in your mind..." Thích Nhất Hạnh

"Stop the noise in your mind in order for the wondrous sounds of life to be heard. Then you can begin to live your life authentically and deeply.”

Thich Nhất Hạnh’s book, - Silence, The Power of Quiet in a World Full of Noise......

[JustBe]

Originally Posted by Gem

I think the OP's claim that acquaintances are better than friends because emotional attachment creates suffering is wrong.
I.

In my experience, acquaintances, can activate you, open up stuff you hold into anyway. If you’re self reflective and more consciously aware of yourself in all connections, it’s not so easy to ignore yourself as things arise. Well that’s me.. close friendships will do the same. A lot if people ignore behaviours or brush things aside. In my experience, brushing aside doesn’t make those problems go away, especially when things keep wanting your attention and become repetitive. If it’s something you need to address for your own life experience or personal need, then it’s probably good thing to address it.

Love is not always the answer. That’s very true. People do a lot of things in the name of love, and that love can be intermixed with a very messy complex human as you’ve pointed out.

In my experience with relationships, I’ve walked through being closed and full of fear, which only served me to put walls up, not forgive and often walk away. I’ve had some difficult times, but they’ve cracked me open and made me wiser. In fact facing them and myself has helped me be ok in them now. I think it takes courage to look at your most vulnerable parts, face them head on. You realise then, how much we hold onto and not move through things. If you take time to Reconcile you, see how you feel then, often times, the things that hurt or upset you, clear the way forward. Whatever that is for you. If two parties are open and able, then often you can reconcile and grow together.

I think relationships can show you yourself as well as show you what’s important for you in them. If you’re not practising you’ll never realise how you are, what you need and whether they are good for you.

Those battles between humans exist in most all relationships, it’s unavoidable, but I think denying yourself friendship, or close connections, choosing acquaintances instead, limits your experience in ways where you dont fully get to see your potential in the shared closer experience. When you’re close to another, you’re more open, when you’re more open, the good, the bad and the ugly come out.. lol. and that’s a whole lotta fun.. hehe.

[JustBe]

Originally Posted by Maisy

I. It is empty of form. Sentences written in the dirt, here and gone, only have a meaning if one is looking down.

That’s a very lengthy response you wrote.

I don’t get so hung up in words like many do and I can see what you’re saying. It’s valid as you see and have noted. It fits as you’re seeing and feel.

I will say this..

When I’ve had to be vulnerable in myself- When I’ve made a mistake and had to own up to someone about my error, that affected them. I didn’t want too, because I was too afraid. When I realised I hurt another, I had to feel how that felt deep in my heart as my own hurt. Own it and apologise. When I’ve failed myself and have been my own worse critic, being vulnerable to those parts of myself and bridging a more loving approach. Being stubborn and not wanting to budge or be wrong, letting those vulnerable parts of myself soften and get ok with being wrong. Letting my heart open to love and care for others close to me, only to have them hurt me in ways that hurt me. Letting myself cry when my body needed to cry. Not running from myself when my vulnerability meant facing things I didn’t want to face. Probably heaps more, but that’s a few.

That’s how I see vulnerability. A willingness to be vulnerable to your deepest presence..

As for what I do or how I move from there now, it simply means my deepest presence decides without all those things deciding.

[Gem]

Originally Posted by Maisy

Isn't it true emotional attachment always eventually causes suffering and loss of various kinds?

Yes, emotional attachments result in the pain of loss, but there are greater returns for emotional investment, even though you will ultimately lose everything. If you fear that and avoid emotional attachment, it's much worse. Suffering is a catch 22.

I prefer my own company, which is no company, but I'm not afraid and I don't avoid. I also don't crave closeness with other people. However I'm also not very skilled at socialisation and I have a few personal problems, so I tend toward the loner way of life, but I wouldn't say that's a choice. I don't mind and I prefer it - it suits me - but since it is unusual to be someone that is never invited out to a party or what not, I don't have a best mate, and I don't date... which I think most people would really be upset by... well, I understand my own short comings, but it doesn't upset me. I feel free.

[Maisy]

I'm not sure fear is always the reason for avoidance. Like if we observe how our mind reacts to various insults and one does not want to "feel" or experience such things we have two options. Either avoid those people who insult you routinely or find some way to be in which one does not feel or experience the unpleasant feelings of a reaction. I suppose if one is on a "spiritual" path one may see being able to experience the insult and not having it bother you in anyway would be the "higher" path. But then simply avoiding such encounters is a lot easier! The brain does what it does... can we not feel such things? Such mental reactions?

I think the "ego" or human mind or whatever one calls it reacts. That is what it is designed to do. One can observe when offering opinions or beliefs etc to others the normal reaction from them is to disagree and push their opinions or beliefs as being better or true and yours as false in some way. The normal feeling to being told you are wrong is unpleasant. Here again the fastest and most direct way to eliminate such things is not to offer your opinion to others. They say whatever about whatever and you just nod your head. Don't offer your opinion about anything. Just pleasantly agree with whatever they say.

Fear is kind of a strong word. A negative word. I don't think it rises to fear. I think it is about not liking. Preferring inner calm and peace. If I understand my own mind and what "triggers" it I can avoid those things. That doesn't mean I have to avoid people, instead I can not care about what they say. Not respond with an opinion of my own. I could also avoid some who are very triggering. I think it's an understanding thing. Understanding how my own mind operates and theirs. Knowing others. Some are nice and supportive. Others will always push back as their ego is projecting it's worth a lot. By putting someone else down in some way.

I'd add some people are experts in this type of thing. People who work in sales for example. They know how to manipulate people in all kinds of ways. Car dealers for example know how to not only manipulate people, they know how to confuse them about the actual cost of the car etc. Stores that jack up the price 100% then say there is a 50% off sale etc. Studies have shown if you agree with someone about something right off the bat, they will be more open to suggestions or new ideas. The brain and mind is just a super computer so one can figure out how it works. Ego as well. People can be manipulated in a lot of ways. Like how stores use colors and music for manipulation. Friends and our significant others can be manipulated.

I have a friend who is very good at manipulating others to get what they want. I think being really close to another is a wonderful thing but not so easy to do as all have ego's to some degree. So it may be a matter of learning to "ignore" or "forgive" others when their ego pushes against you in various ways. Eckhart Tolle is believed to be pretty good at this ego and mind stuff and I think I remember he was asked some questions once and he said when at a party with unconscious people chatting away he can only take it so long then he has to leave. That's avoidance right. But it's not done out of fear. If I don't like smoke I leave if it is present. I don't have smoking stuff in my home. That's not fear. It's not liking something and using my intelligence and awareness to make that happen. Doing things to not have it in my life and experience.

A lot of guru's and "spiritual" types choose to not be in a romantic relationships. They don't want to have to spend so much time and energy pleasing another. Entertaining another. They want to do whatever they want whenever they want and not have to answer to another. See I would say that's a preference not a fear. I know what this is like and what that is like and I choose this for myself.

Some may choose to be alone more than with others. Some friends are very demanding of one's time. Some are very draining always talking about their problems.

[Cribbage1952]

Originally Posted by Maisy

But like I said, I think living as a hermit would not make most people happy. Humans, the great apes, wolves and dogs, we are social animals and need that to be happy I think.

As the OP, I did not advocate hermitage. After all, I want and definitely have social-outlets but that are Acquaintances only. I meet those acquaintances at a recreational center for activities, and it is only there that I meet them. That is, I do not go with any of them for coffee at McDonald's. If I went with any person to McD's, then it would be friendship. But self-restricted as I am to the recreational center, they are Acquaintances only.

There is another advantage of Acquaintances which make them better than friends. You see, my recreational activity requires a partner. In the past,I used to have a friend who was that partner, but that friend used to often cancel an excursion. Whereas at the Center, I always have partners because the participants have to previously register and pay for participation. As a result, in order to get their money's worth, they always show up. At least enough of them do, so I have a partner always. In this way for me, it's better to have Acquaintances only.

[sky]

Originally Posted by Cribbage1952

it's better to have Acquaintances only.

To each their own, and if you are happy living as you do that's all that matters..

[JustBe]

Originally Posted by Maisy

I'm not sure fear is always the reason for avoidance. Like if we observe how our mind reacts to various insults and one does not want to "feel" or experience such things we have two options.lone more than with others. Some friends are very demanding of one's time. Some are very draining always talking about their problems.

I think it’s more complex than just not liking and fear. But fear plays its part in all the ways it rears its head. fear to feel why you don’t like also plays its part. As does people’s traumas and likes and dislikes. People’s foundational years and their parental bonding plays a huge part in their attachment style. In fact it all comes back to the foundational relationships. How healthy and loving your infancy, toddler, pre school years were. How you’re wired and build important connections in you, through those things. If you’re wired differently to your parents and not nurtured as you need, then you’ll often see a conflict arise at some point of your life to sort through them and you. Of course anyone, is they chose, , can change and heal those old patterns, but not a lot of people want to change and be something different. Some do, some don’t.

I see it more so in a lot of men in my world and I’m around a lot. They hold on tight to what they only know and stay stuck in patterns. When you hint they could live and have a different life, it’s like you’re pulling the rug from under them. A lot of people don’t want to let go, plain and simple. They hold on tight. Radical change scares a lot of people. Because often radical change means radical truth of self. Staying in comfort zones is familiar and comforting. To step beyond that, means you do have to look at yourself differently.

Most people have their own unique attachment style formed from infancy, but ultimately, anyone can, if willing shift and make a conscious choice to be different to those patterns. If they don’t and happy right where they are, that’s fine too.

I guess what I’m saying, is even as it’s a very complex issue, there is potential to build healthy connections and friendships that fit you. By building your own first, becoming your own best friend and not being afraid of change even when it scares you.

If you don’t step out of your comfort zone, you’ll never know anyway what exists beyond you and that boundary of you.