Divine masculine energy

[~Lioness~]

I decided to trust God's perfect timing earlier this morning when I woke, I just made that decision. Anyway, now its evening, and my heart and crown Chakra are expanding and I get this sense of a masculine energy entering my space.

I think I'm learning my role in this twin flame partnership. Im meant to protect our relationship., even through separation.

He'll, it's been 17 years and I was 18 when I asked her if we could finally be together, and she broke my heart. Its really okay , that's the past

I've kept our flame burning through this entire insane experience. I

Is anyone else feeling something different in relation to your twin flamw?

[JustBe]

Trusting and being patient on the path is a great move forward

[~Lioness~]

I completely agree. Trying to control anything about this life we have only causes stress and discomfort because there's nothing to control outside of the self.

[FallingLeaves]

i think last time i said anything I was just ignored, I suppose it was thought I was just posturing.... trying to get something or other i imagine.

I can hardly blame people for thinking of me that way though, I have so many times now.....

but basically im glad for her even if she is infuriating.

And I'm not reatlly trying to do the control thing and either get her in my life or force her out of my life right now, I'm just kinda going with what i feel about what is presented.

[~Lioness~]

Originally Posted by FallingLeaves

i think last time i said anything I was just ignored, I suppose it was thought I was just posturing.... trying to get something or other i imagine.

I can hardly blame people for thinking of me that way though, I have so many times now.....

but basically im glad for her even if she is infuriating.

And I'm not reatlly trying to do the control thing and either get her in my life or force her out of my life right now, I'm just kinda going with what i feel about what is presented.

Was it me that ignored you? I'm sorry, it's nothing personal about you or what you said, I'm simply dealing with a lot and my brain doesn't focus right. Sigh, that's just life I guess?

I'm glad to hear I'm not the only one that feels like they're not chasing or pushing out their twin flame. I'm curious about your twin flame story but you don't have to share.

[FallingLeaves]

no it wasn't you that ignored me lol...

ok i love talking about myself so... you get what you pay for...

when i met my twin i had had enough of females. I just didn't want any part of them, I just wanted to have some piece.... the day i think i met her (not sure) I had gone through some very difficult stuff but decided i didn't want to just give up and go on to have a 'happy' life. things are a bit foggy now but I rememeber starting to admire her stick to it iveness.... she was different than anyone I had met in that way everyone else had seemed so flighty.... i got kinda used to the clackety clack of her shoes on the floor too, that was kinda nice....

anyway i tried like crazy not to let on that i was starting to feel stuff for her.... partly i didn't think it was fair to her as I had nothing to give and partly i didn't think it was fair to me as I was trying to find a peaceful moment for myself... and im very good at hiding my feelings lol.... but it kinda crossed my mind at some point... maybe later... maybe after i'd had time for myself.... but there weren't any promises, i had no idea if that would be possible when I said it to myself. For once I was prioritizing my own needs over what I thought others wanted....

turns out that now i think what i was doing there was kinda a bad thing though. I shouldn't have been making such statements to myself.... It would have been better if i'd just been able to understand there was no hope and get on with life.... instead of trying to make yet another deal about a possible future....

anyway as closed off as I can be when you get me going, she did the unthinkable and sussed out what i was feeling late one thursday night.... to which i promptly applied all my memories of everything else that had happened with females and just decided not to believe it could go anywhere, it was done. And then nest time i saw her she did the most surprising thing! I could never have believed a female would put herself out theree that way! But then after my response to that I felt the same, I had *really* wrecked things with here and there was no way we could move forward. and i was good with that... but after a few times of her showing up around the town with amazing responses I eventually melted and went entirely the other direction.

and then there was the awful night when i think i walked right by here but i was blinded and couldn't see....

So I conned my way into having her phone number and called her but her response froze me in my tracks... i ended up changing my own phone number that is how badly i couldn't cope with what i was doing. After that i did a reversal and and then got her address and for a long time I was writing her just about this that and everything. So many trips to the post office! The flood gates were kinda open? But never any response..... other than that I would get oblique 'signs' from the universe so I couldn't let it go the way i really wanted to.... well i guess really at the time i felt like she was answering in the paper, back then the classifieds were just kinda alive with messages... but... now i have no idea any more. I have seen so many amazing things I'm not sure I can say what is what with any accuracy? as far as i know she had moved on and the spirits were teasing me... all this is what comes of my illness i suppose lol...

and so for many years i was kinda chasing her in spirit if not in fact... at some point after a couple of years i called here again and got her mum, her mum said she didn't want me so I was like, I can either go on with this or I can walk into stalker territory.... so I did the hardest thing I've ever done and walked away from any contact in the physical reality. No more letters, no more trying to contact her. But I was still chasing here with my heart, for so many many years. And still hearing from her in the oblique way the universe has with its signs. So I could never be done with it, could never let it go. It caused me a great deal of pain because none of this was supposed to be happening and i felt if i let on it did anyway i would get myself into terrible trouble with drs and so forth?

and then for a long time i was seeing her shadow everywhere on the internet... not really sure what was up with that either though lol.... was she there? OR is it just I was seeing echoes of her in everyone else? I really don't know. Which is another terrible thing how do you relate to anyone when you aren't even sure who or what you are relatiing to? One way is an obsession and has the potential to cause so much pain to others... but hard to deny one's own feelings about life as well....

but the whole process of dealing with this ended up reflecting a lot of me back at myself, so I ended up understanding a lot of stuff about what i was doing wrong/being mean to others and what not to do any more.... fast forward to today and I can sorta cope with life a little better at least. Partly because I was willing to listen when this threw a lot of my own bad behavior in my face... I wouldn't have had a prayer if i had gone on insisting i was some kind of victim and she was just permanently mean.... and that none of it was in any way my own fault.

And so now I'm more willing to just relate to what is in front of me, instead of trying to get things the way I want them before I will relate. Instead of Trying to make sure that when I relate I will be somehow 'safe' before i will let myself relate. And I'm not so afraid of pain that I will just spend all my time trying to avoid it....

And too I'm grateful that I don't have to be so sure I want to hurt myself just to try to make someone else happy....

although that doesn't mean i really want to cause others pain either...

so after all that i recently got at least a modicum of that balance i was trying to get to before her, back, it has been a long hard struggle though. The truth is there has been a lot of spiritual noise and it has been very confusing trying to find any part of myself in the noise being made by others...

that is one of the hardest things for me to accept, that maybe I don't do anyone a favor by handing out advice, that they might just get a lot more valueable stuff if I just shut up and leave them alone.

but anhyway there is of course no forgetting her.... at least im not obsessing about it hte way i was in the begginning. sigh....

[lamb1]

FallinLeaves, I understand you in a way, though don't understand every word you wrote, as its I suppose, very personal and hard to comprehend by someone who didnt experienced it. But reading you I felt your emotikona and for sure I can relate - right now I feel similar, kind of obsession and I really need to do something with this attitude :(

[FallingLeaves]

Originally Posted by lamb1

FallinLeaves, I understand you in a way, though don't understand every word you wrote, as its I suppose, very personal and hard to comprehend by someone who didnt experienced it. But reading you I felt your emotikona and for sure I can relate - right now I feel similar, kind of obsession and I really need to do something with this attitude :(

hi lamb1 nice to hear from you!

yeah i suppose i gave up trying to write for others to read at least on that... not only is it way too personal but I keep expecting to get swatted.... so thank you for emoting similarly.

Well I suppose the hardest thing about the entire very hard mess is, in the end i decided there is nothing I can do to 'fix' this. Im not going to be able to pin her down in some comfortable way and as long as I want to try I'll be in excrutiating pain... but I can't entirely not try either because that is just another way of trying to pin the situation down in some comfortable way.... sigh... so it is a matter of learning to cope with what is in front of me instead of wishing first, that it were something else entirely. Which seems totally unfair, but, i guess it is what it is.

[lamb1]

Originally Posted by FallingLeaves

hi lamb1 nice to hear from you!

yeah i suppose i gave up trying to write for others to read at least on that... not only is it way too personal but I keep expecting to get swatted.... so thank you for emoting similarly.

Well I suppose the hardest thing about the entire very hard mess is, in the end i decided there is nothing I can do to 'fix' this. Im not going to be able to pin her down in some comfortable way and as long as I want to try I'll be in excrutiating pain... but I can't entirely not try either because that is just another way of trying to pin the situation down in some comfortable way.... sigh... so it is a matter of learning to cope with what is in front of me instead of wishing first, that it were something else entirely. Which seems totally unfair, but, i guess it is what it is.

My Dear, isn't it ALL just about letting go? And about trusting God, Universe, and event her? I believe that we need to let go od control completely! Much good for you

[FairyCrystal]

Sounds like you had a teenage love that for some reason you cannot get over.
Spending 17 years on a (perceived) lost love is such a shame.
You blame her with "she broke my heart" and with that you give your power away.
She didn't break your heart, what a so called broken heart is, is a disconnect between you and your Higher Self. That's why it feels so bad. But... you do that yourself. No one else can do that.
It is normal to temporarily have that happen when love doesn't work out, but it is also normal to recover and get reconnected again.
For some reason you haven't done that, and then you call it TF because you keep hurting.
That is, however, not TF love. TFs are able to bounce back, deal with loss, and move on to be happy again, even when they split from their TF.
TFs have a higher understanding and in spite of pain they can see why something doesn't work out, that it might even be for the best to not be together.

Personally I think you have difficulty dealing with loss and/or not having control and/or not getting what you want. That sounds mean, I know, but it's not uncommon.
Why not find someone to help you with this situation so you can get on with life and find happiness again? A great coach or counsellor perhaps.

Bear in mind that you've already wasted 17 years of your life, half of you life as it is!!
Time is our most precious gift on this planet. It is, however, finite. We cannot afford to waste it away.
And no one is worth you doing just that, not even a (perceived) TF.
A TF would be the last one to want you to do that.